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We did it!
by Pam Sorochan
"I did not believe because I could not see.
When the dawn seemed forever lost,
You showed me your love in the light of the stars."
"Then the mountain rose before me,
By the deep well of desire,
From the fountain of forgiveness,
Beyond the ice and the fire."
" give these clay feet wings to fly
To touch the face of the stars."
"Breathe life into this feeble heart
Lift this mortal veil of fear
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears
We'll rise above these earthly cares."
(Dante's Prayer, Loreena McKennitt.)
When Kynan was born in December 26, 1996 by C-section I was stunned. When I
think of it now I can still hardly believe it happened to me. I was a registered
nurse at the time and I trusted the hospital to take care of me. I did everything
they said, I had read all my textbooks and still this happened to me. My baby
was fine and after a while so was I, physically. I've heard it said that we
have to heal physically before our minds and spirits will be ready. I remember
the time I began to realize that things might not have needed to happen the
way they did. I was convinced I must have missed something. I have cried about
not getting to see my precious little son be born. I am saddened by waking
from anaesthesia and not remembering I had a baby. I longed for that experience
of birthing a baby. I began a quest to find out if things could be different
next time, if I could brave a next time.
My husband's unfailing ear as he listened helped me heal
and the Edmonton VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) group
was my greatest source of hope. I was suddenly confronted
with women, options and alternatives that thrilled me. I
read and asked questions and listened to many wise words.
I learned not to feel guilty, I learned not to blame myself,
and I learned not to be afraid. I decided, unlike last time,
I couldn't go into this labour just expecting to know what
to do and expecting someone else to get me through it. I
learned of the power of my body and my mind and my will.
I learned that these tiny lives inside us are not just passive
participants in this beautiful journey. We work with them
to bring them peacefully into this world.
When we were finally pregnant again in the spring of 1999 Mike and I discussed
a home birth. I spoke with some wonderful midwives and friends and felt very
intrigued with the idea. Because of the emergency experience of our first birth
Mike said he felt safest in the hospital in case anything happened. I have
learned that through our experiences we are all at different stages in the
journey of birthing our children. I would be fine in the hospital so it is
there we made our plans to go.
"I just want to be understood and for things to go my way I've decided that
it is not the doctor who will make this happen, but me" (June 22/99, 17
weeks pregnant).
"I hate terms like 'trial of labour' and 'a good chance that you'll ' They
are so ambivalent and noncommittal. I'm looking for cheerleaders" (July
20/99, 21 weeks pregnant).
I was grateful for my medical background in a different way this time. I was
aware of doctors' strengths and weaknesses. I don't like how most doctors treat
pregnant women, like they have an illness and that pregnancy is all about the
body and has nothing to do with the mind. I was lucky to find an obstetrician
that would support me in my endeavours but quickly felt he was more of a formality
than a necessity. I found a gifted doula who believed in me and pushed away
any remaining doubts and fears. I deeply wanted to do this without any interference.
My thoughts were that the longer I spent at the hospital and the more they
interfered the more chance there was that things would go wrong. I wanted to
labour at home, and find natural ways for comfort and relief during labour.
"Sometimes I'm so excited and entranced about this baby coming and sometimes
I'm so scared about how it will be "(August 28/99, 27 weeks pregnant).
As I visualized the birth of my baby the head would stop right before it came
out; right where my son's head had stopped. I spent a lot of time trying to
connect my body and mind and to resolve the fears that would surface there.
I'm not sure who really knows how scared I was that this might not happen.
Even now I look at the large tree full of leaves blowing in the wind outside
our large back window as I sit in the comfortable armchair facing it and remember:
the music I chose that would give me strength and power, the relaxation that
would give me relief and the visualizations that would conquer the barriers
of my mind.
"We met with our doula again on Friday. I feel very confident with my little
support team" (September 26/99, 31 weeks pregnant).
Most people seem so anxious for their babies to arrive. But I was so busy that
I urged my baby to take her time in coming. But true to all babies, she had
her own ideas. Eleven days before Anna's due date I stared feeling cramps about
8:00 a.m. I felt it couldn't possibly be labour because it was too early so
I continued about my day even taking Kynan to gymnastics and participating
in floor games there as my cramps grew worse. Over the previous couple of weeks
baby's movements had decreased a bit so I was booked for a non-stress test
at the hospital at 10:45 a.m. As I dropped Kynan off before my test a little
voice told me I would not be back for him that day. I laugh now at how I pushed
that thought aside not wanting to make something out of nothing.
My mild discomfort and the fetal heart monitor on my huge belly told me I was
indeed in labour. I didn't really feel ready for this and at 12:00 p.m. tearfully
phoned Mike to join me. "Is home really where you think you should be
if you're in labour?" a nurse said.
"If this is going to be a long labour I'm going to go home."
At about 1:00 p.m. my contractions became regular and close but were still
tolerable.
I was anticipating many hours of labour (my first was 15 1/2 hours) and I had
planned on labouring at home. But as my discomfort quickly increased and as
a little voice inside seemed to tell me to stay at the hospital I finally listened
to it and wished for the big tub the hospital was equipped with. With my first
child so much of my labour frightened me and my labour was so different from
the 'text book labours' I had read about. But with this labour it all seemed
kind of familiar and even reassuring knowing that my body had done these same
things before. By this time I was no longer afraid. This was my body, my labour,
and my way.
At about 1:30 p.m. my contractions exploded and I knew we were on our way.
After that I had no concept of time. The contractions were so powerful with
no time to rest in between. The shower brought no relief. Somehow I think neither
midwives nor labouring women designed hospital facilities. As I left the shower
to head for the tub room I was confronted with the hospital's routine event
of rupturing the membranes. I didn't even give them time to ask me or take
it out of the package. As soon as I saw that little plastic hook I said I didn't
want it done. The doctor had no problem with my refusal; the nurse seemed put
out. Next an epidural or medication was offered. I refused that too. It makes
me wonder how many women actually get past 3 cm before their strength is undermined
and they succumb to drugs. The big tub was a little better. I had Mike call
for our doula to come. The contractions were furious and Mike kept trying to
help me relax and remind me this was pain with a purpose. I wanted a break
from the pain so badly.
I believe we are all meant to birth our babies in our own beautiful way. Many
tearful prayers had petitioned the granting of a beautiful birth for me. I
also believe our prayers are answered in unique and wonderful ways. Because
of my haste in the morning and because of believing I wasn't in labour I didn't
have my prenatal records or birth plan with me and my OB was on vacation. I
was a little preoccupied with the day's surprising event so it went unrevealed
that I was a VBAC. (It wasn't an issue to me anyway. I really just totally
forgot.) Had that information been available I doubt I'd even have gotten as
far as the bathtub without a fight. Shortly, the nurse stormed into the tub
room demanding to know why I hadn't told her I was a VBAC. She wanted me to
get out of the tub, 'safely' into bed, and be strapped to equipment immediately.
Proving to myself how prepared and determined I really was I briefly explained
my understanding of her concerns but that I didn't plan on going anywhere and
was going to do whatever it took to get through this. She left, appearing only
periodically to monitor baby's heartbeat in between contractions. I remember
feeling almost out of control at times. I couldn't imagine why I wanted to
feel this pain but I couldn't accept the alternative. Finally our doula came
and it was like a cool refreshing breeze floated into the room. She dimmed
the lights and guided me through ways to get myself coping again. With my first
labour I was so concerned with how far apart the contractions were and how
long I'd been in labour and how dilated I was. Now I was just thrilled to be
doing it and was too busy to think about any of that.
Then as I breathed out I felt a mild urge to push. The nurse wouldn't check
my cervix in the tub. As I got out I felt my water break. Labour was so intense
I didn't care where I was anymore. Walking just made one big long contraction.
My cervix was 8 cm they said. "Already!" I thought. The pressure
on my perineum was unreal and when I came out of the bathroom the nurse announced
that she wanted to put in an IV. With genuine amazement, "Why do I need
an IV?!"
"Because you're a VBAC!"
"I don't want an IV!" And I didn't have one.
I knelt by the bed for a while. I didn't think about anyone else but my baby
and myself. As much as it hurt it all seemed so natural and all just flowed
from me. I'm so grateful for Mike who gave me his strength and for our doula
who gave me focus and purpose.
Eventually I ended up on the bed. I wasn't particularly relaxed. I hadn't imagined
the pain would be so continuous. People have spoken of the overpowering urge
to push and I always wondered what it would feel like. Then suddenly it was
there and it was amazing! A check of my cervix said I wasn't quite there yet
and I had to breath through this uncontrollable urge. I think this was harder
than the whole rest of labour. Several times I couldn't stop myself. It felt
so good! And then nothing could stop me and I was told to go ahead. Then they
wanted me to wait for the doctor but I didn't.
"I love pushing!"
I reach down and touch her head. It's not what I thought it would feel like.
It's all bumpy and wet. It's all so much more wonderful and powerful and painful
than I thought it would be. It's not like last time. No one's counting and
telling me to push because I can't feel the contractions, no one's watching
a heart rate drop on a monitor, no one's shaving my hair, no one's telling
me to sign forms I haven't read, and I'm feeling everything! This is going
to happen!
I scream and her head is out. And oh, it hurts and her body is out. It's 4:28
p.m., Nov. 12, 1999. I'm not surprised we have a girl. And then it's just me
and Mike and our girl. Everyone else seems to disappear and I can hardly believe
we've done it. She is so beautiful and completely covered in vernix.
"I feel like I've waited so long for this moment. We did it, we did it,
we did it!"
"The pain ended so suddenly. I am so grateful for the success of her birth
and how much joy and love there was. I waited so long for that moment of seeing
one of my babies be born. All my babies will have come into this world in a different
way. Kynan's birth changed my life and created the motivation for the amazing
event of Anna's birth" (May 2, 2000).
We have a right to birth our babies in our own way. I don't think we should
have to fight for it. Not everyone can. Some people want to or need to be in
the hospital and hospital births don't have to be bad. I hope my efforts educated
someone. I hope someone learned that VBACs aren't dangerous, that birth is
not a dangerous medical event, that women don't need medication, that our bodies
know what they're doing and we should let them do it. I look forward to the
day when midwives are available to anyone who wants them anywhere they need
them.
Story from Birth Issues magazine, published
by ASAC in Edmonton . Pam Sorochan is a long-time member
of the Edmonton VBAC Support Association.
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